yesterday i took the day off life. i woke up & went right to wonderland. i danced around my apartment in my silk jammies, listened to my headphones & watched independence day while eating cereal from a box. yesterday i didnt even kind of feel like a grown up. it was a good day.
i used to cry everyday because i was just that god damn happy. && now i cry everyday cause i’m just so sad.
this time last year everything was so different. my life was still normal & perfect. i’m so tired of being sick everyday. i just want my life back. brett and my mom are the only people who even kind of get what i’m going through. i can’t drink anymore. i keep trying, it just doesn’t happen. so now in my mid 20s i’m now no longer able to drink with my friends. i’m bordering on full blown depression. all i do anymore is cry and sleep. i’ve had maybe half a dozen good days in the past six months.
and i miss my little brother. things were so much simpler last year.
i honestly can’t imagine having a child of my own. i love my younger brother so fully it’s exhausting. he is my heart beat…and he came out of someone’s womb. i always call my mom every day & always let her know i’m doing ok even though i’m 26 because i know that feeling, cause i feel that way about my brother. i couldn’t imagine having a child of my own, i feel like it would be too painful to love someone that much.
ever since he was born we were best friends, he was totally unplanned but the universe knew i was never gonna make it through my childhood without him. we’ve been through so much together & he’s my favorite person on the planet. nothing he could ever do could make me love him less. i have reoccurring dreams where he needs me to help him hide a body…and i don’t ever even ask where the body came from, i just know i have to help him out. i feel like thats such a great metaphor for our relationship, cause no questions ask i’ll always be there for him.
i’ve never really had really close friends, i have a lot of friends but the relationship doesn’t usually go too deep & i accredit that to my relationship with chris, my best friend has been built in my whole life. i consider myself really lucky to have him. far before any one thought i was cool, he did. he’s always been there for me when i need him & some personal problems aside he really is the world’s greatest little brother.
….the blood in my veins…
for the first time in my life I actually give a shit about how long I’m alive, now I never had a death wish or anything, but with a life this sweet i’m not really worried about when my time comes, until now. now I hope I live a long life so we can be old & deaf & broken together.
woke up. did yoga naked. now have been dancing around my apartment naked with my bong. next is to sit outside in the sun & get mindfucked by stephen hawking.
i fucking love my days off.
last night we went on an adventure. we walked six and a half miles & met this cat, puddy, who was super friendly. we slapped stickers & saw some good friends. the conversations been getting pretty heavy over here lately. it’s amazing at how fast things change, & how i never cease to be surprised by it.
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